i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
