allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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