When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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