Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
