is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
