She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
