Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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