I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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