All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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