Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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