I wish my penis had an off switch
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
