Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
