He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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