i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Enjoy the penises
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
