so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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