my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
