Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
