i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
