I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
