So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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