Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
