It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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