New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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