I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
