once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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