I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
