Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
