420 ftw
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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