And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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