I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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