she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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