I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
