Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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