I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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