is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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