The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
