Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
