Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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