remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
