Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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