Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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