I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
