I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
