I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
