I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Farmville is her only friend.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
