i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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