seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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