I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
