so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No...this little piggys going to the bar
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
