I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize