do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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