my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
