My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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