Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
