You took a bar mat shot.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
