ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
