my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
