My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
