dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
