Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I could make wine with my vomit
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
