my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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