i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
